Nick Westbrooks: For the Ladies: 4 Reasons Why You Should Tell Him You’re Not Interested

By Nick Westbrooks

From time to time, I log onto Facebook, and see one of my female “friends” post a status stating something to this effect: “If I didn’t answer after the fifth time, why does he think I’m gonna answer now? He should get the hint.”

I don’t know. He may have gotten the hint or he may just believe that persistence is attractive, there was a technical issue, she overlooked his message or she was busy and didn’t get around to writing him back. I just named four possibilities why a guy would continue to message a female after not receiving a reply back, but there are probably many more.

I’m not a relationship expert, but I’m a logical thinker and I try to say and do what makes sense. The logical thing to do in this type of situation would be for the young lady to end the speculation and tell this guy directly that she’s not interested. But it seems like my generation is a generation of cowards in terms of communication. For whatever reason, we love to “beat around the bush” and avoid expressing our feelings openly. And being a part of the era of text messaging and social networks, we also avoid verbal and face-to-face communication.

I’ve provided four possible reasons why young women should tell young men that they’re not interested instead of hoping they get the hint. This isn’t gender specific; both young men and women avoid straight-to-the-point honesty, but I chose to address the young ladies, since they openly complain about this issue the most.

1. Telling him how you feel saves time.

You complain that he keeps texting and sending messages to your inbox, but you never asked him to stop or tell him that you’re not interested in conversing with him. Maybe if you did this, he wouldn’t have any doubts that you don’t want to talk to him. He won’t believe that you just didn’t receive his message or forgot to write back, because people do honestly forget to respond or mistakenly overlook messages.

It works in favor of both parties. The guy may be hurt that you’re not interested, but at least he knows that he can stop wasting his time by contacting a girl who doesn’t want to be bothered. He can move on to someone or something else if he pleases.

2. Telling him how you feel may minimize harm.

I had a good friend that told me she wasn’t interested in a particular young man, but she didn’t want to tell him because he’s a “sweet” person, and she didn’t want to hurt him. Personally, I’ve been in situations where I tried to find ways to let a girl down easily. Based on experience and observation, the best way to turn someone down without hurting him or her too much is to let that person know from the start that you’re not interested.

There’s no way to absolutely avoid hurting someone, but you inflict more pain when you leave that person guessing for a long period of time, while that individual builds up more feelings for you as time passes. You can’t be afraid to express your feelings, and you can’t be afraid of hurting someone, because in most instances, it will be unavoidable.

3. Telling him how you feel leads to less miscommunication.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, there are several reasons why a woman doesn’t respond to a man’s messages or texts that are unrelated to her interest in him. Women may believe they’re ignoring them, but men may misinterpret their nonresponses as “She probably didn’t get it, she just forgot to write back. Let me send another message to remind her, or if I’m persistent she’ll see that I’m really serious about wanting to get with her.”  

Ladies, tell him clearly and directly how you feel so he knows for sure that the reason why you’re not responding is that you’re not interested in him. There is no room for misinterpreted messages.

4. Telling him how you feel may lead to better overall communication habits.

It takes courage to express your feelings to someone, especially if you have to tell them something that he or she probably doesn’t want to hear. Once you do it, you realize that it’s not that bad, and you start the habit of being direct with people. You’re not only open enough to directly turn down a love or lust interest, but you’re also direct with the sales rep in the mall, your uncle asking for money and that co-worker that gets under your skin.

He may very well pick up on your hint, but he can never be too sure, and he knows better not to give up too easily. End all of the doubt, consider his feelings and save everyone some time by being straightforward and to the point. And ladies keep this in mind: He may be annoying you with all of the messages, but he still deserves respect. Be as honest and direct as possible, but be respectful.

On the other hand, some guys just don’t take no for an answer. In this case you may have to “unfriend” or block him on your social networking site, but at least you decreased the room for miscommunication by expressing directly and clearly how you feel.

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We Are One: Unity in the Body of Christ

But speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Him who is the head, that is Christ. From Him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself in love, as each part does its work. –Ephesians 4: 15-16

Today I visited Florida Avenue Baptist Church in northwest D.C. for the first time. The guest preacher, the Rev. Janelle Thompson delivered her sermon from the scripture above. The title of the message was “We Are One.”

As the apostle Paul wrote at the start of the fifteenth verse, we should speak the truth in love rather than deceiving and scheming one another. Focusing on that part of the text, Thompson stressed the importance of doing everything out of love. “Without love, what good is what we say or do?” We are able to do everything with love when we feel and identify with love.

The core of the message was the notion that all of God’s people are united as one body in Christ. Here in verse fifteen going into verse sixteen, the writer Paul compares our connection with each other to the anatomy of the human body. Christ is the “Head”, and his people are the “ligaments” joined together through Him. Whether you’ve studied anatomy or not, you know that the body doesn’t function if all of its parts aren’t working together. The same holds true in terms of our progression and relationships with one another.

In the church’s role of spreading the Gospel, all of its members are individuals and have individual gifts. The ideas and perspectives of the individuals usually aren’t homogenous. Despite our differences, we all must be willing to be joined together through Christ’s love with the common goal of delivering the good news and developing our faith.

As Thompson said in her sermon, “The Lord made us different so we can come together in our differences.” Since we are all God’s people—not judged by our social or economic status—we all have value and a purpose regardless of who we are in the secular world. This means listening to and respecting others opinions.

This message of unity can be applied to other instances in the secular world. Many people are employed at jobs where they don’t like their bosses or co-workers, but united under that company, they work together to provide a service and to earn a paycheck for doing so. Too often we see single parents who dislike their baby’s mother of father, but they must be united with the common goal of rearing their child to be the best that he or she can be. Additionally, we can apply this to our human rights movements for freedom and equality. History has proven that mass movements for civil rights and political revolutions were only successful through the unity of its participants.

The soul artist Maze was most likely singing about a romantic relationship in his classic “We Are One.” “We are one, no matter what we do / we are one, love will see us through / we are one, and that’s the way it is.” This too applies to us in a broader sense. I also think of Earth, Wind and Fire’s song “Fantasy.” “And we will live together / until the twelfth of never / our voices will ring forever as one.”  The combination of our gifts, talents and perspectives are valuable individually, but they are the most effective when they’re combined as one. Maurice White and Philip Bailey could have had successful solo careers, but not to the magnitude of EWF’s.

Remember, no matter what the goal or objective is, we each have a specific purpose and gift to contribute. We must unite as one body despite our differences or else we won’t achieve our common goal. If we don’t move together, we won’t move at all.

If we don’t move together, we won’t move at all.